Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Dear Idiot #1 and 2,

I caught your debate on Goodreads and was intrigued enough to enough to see what all the fuss was about. I downloaded both and read them over last week, and let me say: I have no idea why you two would seek to draw attention to yourselves this way.

You may both be talented writers, but it's clear you both are rather delusional, amongst other mental deficiencies, which only mars your stories...

Emma, what I can I say? They have support groups for those obsessed with Twilight. You need to find one and quickly. I don't know if you know this, but even Stephanie Meyers has abandoned her series. Twilight is over, and I hate to tell you this but even the actors have given up on it, and each other. Not to mention, they got back together briefly, which invalidates your plot/fantasy. So basically, we can deep six your book, but we won't, just for the purpose of smearing it across Cyberland.

Jacy, I had a real problem with your book. Girl, Elvis is dead and I hope most of his fans have found a new obsession, because when Elvis when to Los Vegas it resulted in the sort of mind blowing travesty the Federal government should have stepped in to prevent. I'm talking about the sort of heinous misjudgment that could upset the natural order of the universe and end life as we know it. Someone should've retired Elvis few jelly donuts before he got to that point. You deserve to be hung and quartered for even thinking about introducing him in your book. It should be a crime resurrecting a sad, pathetic American icon in a book for the mere hope his name might sell a few books! We don't need to be reminded, we need to forget.

Emma, you're just as bad. I meant what the hell! Even Priceline killed off William Shatner, I'm not sure who is worse. Elvis or Shatner. But Shatner never could act, and as he became rounder and more arrogant, what few acting skills he owned gone as fast as warp speed. You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that was a good idea.

But, having looked at what was suppose to be your criteria for a quirky romance, I managed to somehow overcome these horrible absurdities and try to judge you books fairly. And while I think you both are complete idiots of the first order, I will try to actually debate the merits of your badly flawed books tomorrow on Goodreads, if you have the courage to accept my challenge.

The reviewnutt,
Your 1234567 fan.

Help me my dear friends...I implore you!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Dear love of my life,

While I bought you the X-Box you so wanted, the true gift I am giving you is me, all of me.
I hope your realize what a gift I'm giving, not because I'm conceited, thinking I am all of that. No, what I mean is this: I am giving you all of me. I'm not holding anything back. Anything you want is yours, just ask.
For the first time of my life, I have found someone I can trust with my heart and soul, someone I know won't take advantage of me, using that intimate access to hurt me, at least not intentionally.
I have never in my life ever been able to give myself completely to someone, never. It is because I am so in love with you that I do, because in truth, my love, I am so uncomfortable giving you me. I don't think I could survive if you didn't realize what I was giving, and give yourself back in return, if you rejected me. I don't know that I would survive it.
But I know your that special guy I have been searching for entire life, you would never, you love me as much as I love you.
Thank you my love...

Merry Christmas.

Make darn sure you check out my fellow conspirators. You never know who you might catch doing what...

Monday, December 23, 2013

(Day 1) Dear love of my life...

One more day till Christmas, what would you like to do tonight?
You want to read me? I'm flattered. Well, here is another excerpt from:
Bobby laughed with me and the gulf between us narrowed. “So what do Mermadians eat? Do we have anything that compares here on earth? Besides us humans?”
I almost choked, just barely managing to swallow the the creamy feeling of the pudding as it slid gracefully down my throat. “You have many things we can eat here, besides you. Actually, very few of us have ever tried humans, it's becoming a forbidden delicacy.”
So you won't be tempted.”
No! It's very hard on our digestive systems, and honestly, I don't understand the temptation.” I laughed, trying to make it a joke. Then I thought how that must sound. “You never have to worry, I would never eat you.”
I never thought that. You couldn't, if you love me.”
And I do.”
The rest was left unspoken and I appreciated that from him. He understood I wasn't barbaric, that I would never even think about it. Even if I could separate him from the rest of the humans, I wouldn't.

Make darn sure you check out my fellow conspirators. You never know who you might catch doing what...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

(Day 2) Dear love of my life...

Yes, we forgot some Christmas cards...
Please take these to the post office and in the meantime is another excerpt from:

I nodded. “It frightens me, and that's why I have to be sure. I'm going to make sure before I do this, if I do—oh sis—I hope I don't I have to, I hope it's just a lie. You would survive better than me in his world. You can adapt easily, I can't.”
Sybil gave me a fierce hug. Again, I was struck by how much she loved me, how concerned she was for me. She knew what I had just said was the truth, but she wouldn't try and dissuade me, just support me. That thought made me even sadder. If I did this, if I had to, I would miss her so much. Oh why hadn't we come together like this before, why?

Make darn sure you check out my fellow conspirators. You never know who you might catch doing what...

Friday, December 20, 2013

(Day 3) Dear love of my life...

You have surpassed my meager expectations. Of course you may go out with your friends tonight, just return to me...

So in the meantime, here is another excerpt from the mermaid and the flier. Enjoy:

From the tense way Emilee sat, the way her lips trembled and her eyes danced, I knew I was the one who had to start. That as weird as it was, she was the one risking something greater than I. Shangri-La whispered to me at that moment, daring me to brave and seize the moment and I did. “I love you. I don't how it is with your people, the Meridians, but that means I would give up everything I am or will be—to be with you. That by myself, I am nothing...”

“But together, we are everything, life partners until we die,” she completed with a whisper. “Nothing else matters but being together...”

Make darn sure you check out my fellow conspirators. You never know who you might catch doing what...

Thursday, December 19, 2013

(Day 4) Dear love of my life...

Don't give me that look, don't you dare sigh. This is your fault, and what I'm asking you is nothing compared to what you asked of me. I know this is a pre-Christmas get together with you parents, but it is so much more than that.

You asked and I agreed because I wouldn't refuse you a thing, because I love you so much. But this is not a simple get together, it's a fricken trial, It's my judgment day. Your mother thinks the sun rises and sets on you and she will never accept me, if I'm not perfect, if I'm not worthy of your greatness. If I screw this up, I will be forever damned in her eyes. I have to be perfect, worthy of you in her eyes.

This meal I'm preparing has to perfect, there can't be one thing wrong, right down to the napkins on the table, my love. So put on your coat and go to the store. I don't care if I forgot to write this on my list or you just missed it when I sent you the first time. It's not about that, my love.

It's about proving I am perfect and deserving of you to your mother, and yes; that can of peas and paprika spice are the final ingredients to ensure it. Yes, the traffic is a bitch and this might take an hour of your time, but if you don't go, I will be damned for eternity. And won't you? If your mother disapproves of me, what will you do? And I can't blame you for believing I am worthy because of her pronouncement, even if our love is truly that one kind that should supersede all of that...

Make darn sure you check out my fellow conspirators. You never know who you might catch doing what...