Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Dear Idiot #1 and 2,

I caught your debate on Goodreads and was intrigued enough to enough to see what all the fuss was about. I downloaded both and read them over last week, and let me say: I have no idea why you two would seek to draw attention to yourselves this way.

You may both be talented writers, but it's clear you both are rather delusional, amongst other mental deficiencies, which only mars your stories...

Emma, what I can I say? They have support groups for those obsessed with Twilight. You need to find one and quickly. I don't know if you know this, but even Stephanie Meyers has abandoned her series. Twilight is over, and I hate to tell you this but even the actors have given up on it, and each other. Not to mention, they got back together briefly, which invalidates your plot/fantasy. So basically, we can deep six your book, but we won't, just for the purpose of smearing it across Cyberland.

Jacy, I had a real problem with your book. Girl, Elvis is dead and I hope most of his fans have found a new obsession, because when Elvis when to Los Vegas it resulted in the sort of mind blowing travesty the Federal government should have stepped in to prevent. I'm talking about the sort of heinous misjudgment that could upset the natural order of the universe and end life as we know it. Someone should've retired Elvis few jelly donuts before he got to that point. You deserve to be hung and quartered for even thinking about introducing him in your book. It should be a crime resurrecting a sad, pathetic American icon in a book for the mere hope his name might sell a few books! We don't need to be reminded, we need to forget.

Emma, you're just as bad. I meant what the hell! Even Priceline killed off William Shatner, I'm not sure who is worse. Elvis or Shatner. But Shatner never could act, and as he became rounder and more arrogant, what few acting skills he owned gone as fast as warp speed. You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that was a good idea.

But, having looked at what was suppose to be your criteria for a quirky romance, I managed to somehow overcome these horrible absurdities and try to judge you books fairly. And while I think you both are complete idiots of the first order, I will try to actually debate the merits of your badly flawed books tomorrow on Goodreads, if you have the courage to accept my challenge.

The reviewnutt,
Your 1234567 fan.

Help me my dear friends...I implore you!

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